The Chance To Live Again

“I’d surrender everything to feel the chance to live again.” 

Those are lines to a famous song and words that echo fragments of a fractured past.  The only problem is, is that to surrender is not in my vocabulary.  I am survivor, a fighter to the very core.  So to surrender to anything, or anyone, is such a foreign concept that it’s never really crossed my mind as more than a wandering whim and yet the thought is so seductive now that it’s almost impossible to ignore.

You might wonder what this means coming from a self-proclaimed happy person.  But being happy doesn’t mean that you’ve faced all the skeletons in your closet; it just means you are content in the present.  And I do have many skeletons that I’ve been attempting to face.  It’s quite clear to me that being happy and carving out a sense of life and purpose go hand in hand.  That also means facing the music and realizing and accepting parts of the past that have recurring consequences in the future.

I learned a long time ago to cherish moments that bring joy to this life; the memory of joy sustains us when the world seems bleak.  Though life is full of trials and tribulations, I truly believe that ultimately life is what you make it.  No matter how difficult the road, there is always beauty if you open your eyes to see it; everything is about perspective.  One of the simplest joys in life is sharing time with those you love.  Sometimes time is the greatest gift we have, it gives us memories, it gives us joy, and it has the ability to give us peace.  Time is a giver and a taker and it should be respected.

I bore witness to a significant and special moment last month as my childhood friend prepared for her wedding.  I chatted with her as the sun cascaded into the brightly light lodge room through several large bay windows dampened only by sheer white cloth blinds, giving a fresh feeling of being cradled in the comfort of nature.  Wrapped up in a white terry cloth robe she had her hair done by her soon to be sister in law; the most intense decision of the moment was if she should have her hair up or down.  I helped her sister get the wedding area ready for the bride and grooms big day.  Isha had entrusted us to make it look like her fairy tale, the kind of day she had always dreamed of, and always deserved.  We dotted on her as friends do on a girl’s wedding day, laughing, sharing in childhood memories, chatting the morning away.  Taking in the way the sun rose and the dew melted off the grass to give way to the kind of beautiful day every bride who gets married outside dreams of.  The morning was a ritual of saying goodbye to the girl she once was and hello to the woman she would become.

When her hair was in place and her make up was done to perfection it was time to step into her dress.  But before she could complete her ritual she paused, looking around anxiously for something that wasn’t there, and asked for her Mother.  She was adamant that her mom be there to help her into her dress.  She said that while they may not always see eye to eye it was important to her to share that moment with her mom.  At that instant I thought nothing of it, though the moment did resonate with me on some level; it was a natural and normal request.  We tracked down the Mother of the Bride and I watched, a stranger (even though I am like family to them) in an intimate moment as her mom helped her step into her red wedding dress (the brides favorite color, unique and vibrant just like her) and then zip it up.  Her sister took pictures and made jokes.  The whole moment was full of love, grace and something I couldn’t quite place because I had never known it.

I was too busy in the day to take in the gravity of the emotion I was actually feeling.  But later the next day I realized why the moment resonated with me so.  I would never have anything like that and though I had always known that, realizing it, and seeing what it would have been like hit me with agonizing sorrow.

I have many people who would gladly fill the role of Mother and even Sister if I would let them.  But I had a Mother, and I have a Sister.  I’m not looking for a replacement, that’s not fair to the ones I had or have.  I believe that people have the ability to make things right no matter how far off course they may have gotten.  It may be difficult, and the journey may be full of challenges, but nothing in life worth having was ever free.  And though I may never have that moment with my Mother, when I do get married the women who will be there with me to help me get ready will love me as a mother or a sister would and we won’t need titles to define what they mean to me.  Love doesn’t need a label to be real, it exist because it’s felt between two people.

I’ve had a hard time writing this piece.  Labor Day marked the 21 year anniversary of my Mother’s passing.  I can face every fear I’ve ever known but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that some fears shape the very essence of who I am.  Some fear is healthy, I’ve spent the better part of my adult life studying psychology so I know that, but it doesn’t make it any less annoying.

So where do I go from here?  Do I surrender to the seduction of the chance to live again?  I guess you could say I already have.  There will always be obstacles in life.  There will always be things that test us to our core and create the basis upon which we stand.  Life is not meant to be easy, it is meant to develop character, purpose and a sense of self.
In each struggle we have a chance to grow, a chance to learn.  I’ve had a lot of transition this last year.  I’m making a new life for myself finding a balance between the past and right now. Some days are definitely easier than others, but that’s life.  In the middle of the chaos there is always a place of peace, just like the eye of the storm.  That place resides within me.  Sometimes we have to surrender to the storm to get to that place of peace.  Feel the emotions that logic cannot rationalize.  Explore the opportunities to do what you’ve always wanted and face the fears that have always held you back.  Life is about living; sometimes it just takes a little faith.

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