Let me start by saying “Sorry.” I know I have been M.I.A but it’s been with good cause. This article is the first glimpse into that void that I’ve been hiding in. And the journey that lay ahead promises to hold more stories that I will not leave untold. I hope the New Year meets you all with smiles and good fortune. Here is to another new beginning. Cheers!
My thoughts are scattered on the breeze blowing in a million directions across the landscape before me like lazy flakes of snow unsure of which path to take. I feel trapped by the reality that time does not stop while I stand frozen; waiting for what could forever alter my life. And yet even as I write these words I recognize in my soul that the events that have already been set in motion have already irrevocably altered my existence.
It’s like drowning. I’m not sure how I feel about that. One minute I feel oddly calm, almost as if I accept whatever fate is waiting for me. On the other hand I am flailing around with my arms waving madly about like angry little red flags begging for someone to grab hold of me and shake me back into sanity. I can’t explain to anyone that I’m the strong one. They look at me like I’m an idiot when I say that. I’m well aware that everyone deserves the right to break down; but not me. I can’t show the world I’m weak. I can’t show everyone all my cracks. If they only knew the truth that I’m like fine china, full of creases and crevasse hidden from the world. If anyone ever knew how imperfect I really was I would no longer be indestructible, I’d be ordinary.
I’m on a lonely path, and I wonder if it’s one I’ve carved for myself or if it’s truly one that I’ve been chosen for because God wants me to learn something. I feel an overwhelming brattish side of me that screams with ragging intensity, “haven’t I been through enough? Do I really need to face this monster too?” Even now when I am at peace with God I have moments when I get mad. Is it too much to want peace in life? Is it too much to want to be able to hold on to happiness if only for a little while? But I digress.
If I put on my running shoes and ran as far as I could, would it carry me away from this pain? Would the pounding of my feet eradicate the pain of my soul and pain of my loved ones who feel my hurt for me? But the Angel told me once; I can’t protect them any more than I can protect myself; free will or something like that. Instead I stare into the abyss and I challenge it to swallow me whole. It will never take me; I taste too much like the life I cling to. So I find my inner voice forcing myself to stay in the here and now facing the monstrosity in front of me. The mountain that seems too big to climb will become the pinnacle of my objective. This monster will be just another one that I slay.
But today, just for today, I want to be angry. I want to ask the forbidden questions. I want to know, why me? I want to lay my head down on my pillow so soft and let the tears drip off my eye lashes where they linger on the tips before soaking into the green fleece sheets scented softly of mountain clean. I want to hear sad music in the background, and I want to let my heart hurt because I’m tired of being strong.
